“All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers.”François Fénelon
Our dominant culture of immature masculinity pits us against each other. Our capitalist society makes us believe we should constantly be competing. Our father’s absence, emotional or physical, meant we indirectly learnt to relate to other men with emotional distance, preventing any deep bonding and vulnerability.
These are the wounds that many men in our culture have today. I know I have them. Becoming aware of our wounds can be painful, but having a deep knowing that we are all in this together, taking ownership of these wounds, and dispelling any victimhood around them is how we can grow through this pain. Overcoming and healing the wounds that we did not choose to have, to prevent them from being passed on to the next generation, is the most noble pursuit. This is brotherhood.
Understand deeply that if you are distrustful of other men, it comes from a wound. Your need to compete with other men, or avoid competition with them, your belief that you can’t be vulnerable with other men, your worry that men are a threat, they all come from a wound. A wound that is your responsibility to tend to.
Our wounds constantly seek to be validated, if we believe men are worthy of distrust, we will find evidence everywhere to prove that. If we can flip that and believe that men are worthy of trust, we will find evidence to prove that too.
Trust is an act of faith, it is unpredictable, so it can be fear inducing, but keep trusting and keep searching and you will always come to the truth. Every man you meet is wounded, have compassion for those who are unhealed, and keep looking for the ones who are healing.
Begin to risk loving other men.
- Be the first to be vulnerable, share your fears with a friend, and give them the space to share theirs.
- Understand that a distrust of other men is a reflection of a distrust of your own masculinity. You may be repressing parts of yourself.
- Reconnect to and develop your mature masculinity, we can only connect to others on the level we have healed and grown ourselves.
- Assume the best in other men, compliment them, and stop believing we are always competing. We see what we want to see and people can pick up a distrustful energy.
- Be willing to heal any traumas you have relating to men, especially your father.
- Join a men’s circle or go on a men’s retreat.
For those who wish to learn more deeply how to trust other men, and themselves, reach out to me for a free discovery call.
Image Source: Evan M. Cohen @evanmcohen